Confession

Okay, so I might be a LEEEEEETLE bit bitter. And jealous. >_<

My crush buddy, aka my friend who understood exactly where I was coming from with my crushes, managed to get herself a boyfriend!! If you know the whole story, then you'll understand just how HUGE that is!!

I don't mean the fact that she got a boyfriend in general, but more that she got this particular one!! Eek!! You have to understand that I am genuinely happy for her. He makes her happy and that's what matters most.

So what's my problem?

Okay yes, part of me wishes that my crush had turned out like that; That I too could have that "Happily Ever After". I've realised that there is no "HEA" At least, not for everyone. 

Think about it. Even in all these movies, where there's a happy ending. Someone always loses. It's just not the main characters. We can't all be the main characters in a movie. Some of us are minor characters, some even "extras".

They don't get their "HEA", why should we? Think about the leading male's girlfriend. The one that loses him to the leading female. Where's her Happily Ever After? 

I'm getting off track.

The point is. Yes, part of me wishes my crush had worked out. Do I still like him? Of course! But I have to learn to accept it and move on. Although, part of me doesn't want to let go. >_< Again.. getting off track..

My problem is that I'm jealous. Not that my friend has a boyfriend, but that I constantly feel like she's choosing him over me.

To be honest I guess I can understand. If you have a boyfriend, you'd want to spend as much time with him as possible, right? 

It's just that. I miss my friend. If you know me, then you'll know that something happened fairly recently which caused me to retreat into my own little bubble. 

I've stopped making so much effort with friend. I let them come to me. But a handful of people. They're the ones who stuck by me. Were there for me. The ones I keep in constant contact with. A handful.

This friend is one of them. Before, she used to make time to hang out. But now, she spends all her free time with her boyfriend. <--- sense the jealousy seeping through.

This will most probably sound petty.. But here goes.

Recently, we wanted to go see a movie in the cinema. But for some reason the cinema got their timing's screwed up so the movie started 20 minutes early and we had missed the beginning. As a result, we chose to see another movie and see this particular one another time.

We said soon. It's been 4 weeks. She keeps saying she wants to see it. But then she tells me she can't make most days. Understandable; she's in Uni.

2 weeks ago she said she couldn't go the next Monday because she wanted to do work after lectures. I get that. But then that Monday afternoon she texted me telling me she was bored and couldn't be bothered to work. Her boyfriend went round.

Then she told me that she had no free days for the next couple weeks. None at all. The Monday just gone, she found out that she didn't have lectures, so she had a FREE DAY. She made plans with her boyfriend.

I get it, okay? She wants to spend time with him. They see each other every Weds, but that's not enough. Fine. I won't make a fuss.

Honestly? I am happy for her. I'm glad that she's found a guy that she really likes/loves. That's what's important..

I'm just feeling a bit.. jealous. Always second choice. Oh, look. I've started to ramble. Maybe because it's almost 3:30am.

It's the tiredness talking. I should sleep. *sigh*

Goodnight.

o.O

It has been a very long time since I last blogged. On here, anyway!

So much has happened. Not really something I feel like blogging about right now.

I'm lazy. So what?

The thing is, someone recently reminded me about this blog. I've been so caught up on Facebook and other sites - more recently, Twitter and other peoples' blogs - that I forgot all about my own blog! Whoops. So I came back to check it out.

I just reread some of my old posts and all I can say is --> WOOOOWWWWWW o.O

I can't believe I posted so much about that one topic.. Obsessed much?!

I actually cringed when I read it...

Blah. From now on I'll talk about things of more importance. Well, important to me anyway! Or rants. Hmmm..

Seriously.. I can't get over it.. >_<

♥

Just when I thought I couldn't fall any harder..

I'm so glad that you came to meet us for dinner. Even if I seemed a bit quiet, I really did enjoy it.

Spending time with you =)

It was so good to see you after such a long time, I almost forgot what your hugs felt like.. 

After tonight, I now know what a sweet and caring person you are.

You would actually be the ultimate boyfriend. Who knew that you were so cute and romantic!!

Tonight I fell for you, even harder than I had before.

I can still feel your chin on my head..!! 

I missed you, I really did.. =)

我很喜歡你 =)

"When I first met you, I never would have imagined that I would have such strong feelings for you, I never would have thought that I would have dreams about you or miss being by your side or get butterflies in my stomach when someone mentions your name, when I first met you I never would have thought that I would love you."

Just about sums it up nicely =)

Do I love you? Surprisingly, Yes. Yes I do.

Over the last few months, we've gotten to know each other pretty well. I love talking to you. I love being near you. At the beginning of Uni, i never would have thought I'd end up liking you the way I do. 

But now, I have the most insane crush on you ever. My best friend mentioned that I've never been like this about a guy before.

When I say I love you, I don't mean it in that over-the-top, way too obsessive, OMG I LOVE YOU kind of way.

I love you because you're an amazing friend. You've been there for me so much during this past year. When I finally told you something I was scared to tell you, you were so understanding and supportive. The reaction you gave me just made me love you even more.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted once I told you. I felt so much better afterwards.

I'm so glad that we became friends. I cherish that immensely. You're just this amazing person in my life and I'd be sad if I had to let you go.

I love the person that you are. Sweet, kind, funny, caring, intelligent, etc.

So yes. I do love you.

But am I in love with you?

Well, I wouldn't go that far!! 

I have strong feelings for you, yes. 

You're constantly on my mind.

The thought of you makes me smile.

So I would say that I like you. A lot. 

"In love" with you? That's a bit too extreme, don't you think?

I miss you.

I miss you. I miss you so much.

The stupid thing is, all I have to do is click on your name and I can chat to you.

But I'm scared..

Recent events have caused a huge blow to my self-confidence, self-esteem. 

I'm scared of disappointing you. I feel like if you find out, you'll somehow think less of me.

I know that's not a decision for me to make. It's not fair to either of us. I've read enough books to know that you are the one who has to make this decision.

I'm just scared of your answer.

I should just initiate a conversation. But if I do, that topic will come up. Especially since it's so close. How can I tell you that things have changed? You need to know, or you'll just be wondering on the day. I'm just scared to bring it up. I've been putting it off. That's why I'm not initiating.

What's your excuse? Maybe you're just tired of having to initiate every single time. Who knows.

All I know is that I miss you. So much. I miss talking to you. I've grown so used to talking to you. But now, now that I haven't talked to you in almost a week, it's killing me inside.

Okay, maybe that's a little over-dramatic, but I really just want to talk to you. So badly. 

I've never been like this before. If you ask my best friend, she'll tell you. We've been friends for over half our lives, she knows me inside and out. I've never been so attached to someone. Not like this.

But you deserve so much better. I wish I could be better for you. I'm sorry.

I just miss you, that's all.